My two boys and their cousins were each hunched over their laptops at our Bobs Lake cottage last weekend, furiously banging away at the keys, and at times, muttering incomprehensibly. The sun was shining, the lake beckoned, and the fishing rods stood at the ready, but all the boys were oblivious to their pleas. What was it that absorbed them so? The NFL Fantasy Football Draft of course! With hockey season a good month away and the Olympics still a week away at the time, there were little sports to keep their cravings at bay (and an off day for the Blue Jays baseball and the CFL too). I thought a cottage with no cable or satellite TV would save us from this frenzy that is the NFL but I was wrong. The internet saved them – hook, line and sinker.
So while teams DudeWheresMyCarr, TheThunderDucks, KungSuhPanda, TheDeflatriots and JetsWinsMatter built their empires in our living room, I retreated to the screened-in porch and did some fantasizing of my own.
“What kind of team would I draft?” pondered this hockey mom. After all my years as a hockey mom, I had some distinct thoughts on my fantasy roster for the 2016-2017 hockey season. My roster would include any players whose parents...
1. Live down the street (vital for carpooling);
2. Are Italian (and make exceptional homemade lasagna for team parties);
3. Own a sporting goods store (and can get hockey equipment at cost);
4. Own a skate-sharpening service (better yet if they have one of those new kind that you can have at home);
5. Live near the wine store (nothing else needs to be said here);
6. Own a Tim Horton’s franchise (again, ’nough said);
7. Own a huge house (for entertaining 17 players and their families; hot tub is a bonus);
8. Never forget their big goose down hockey blanket (and love to share);
9. Genuinely enjoy volunteering for hockey (head coach, assistant coach, trainer, manager – it’s in their blood);
10. Run the arena canteen where most home games are held (and give me a heads up when my kid is on their third Slushie);
11. Own a beachfront property in Maui and give discounted rentals (there’s always an off-season);
12. Always rent a large suite for away hockey tournaments “just for the extra room” (aka parents’ hangout);
13. Can financially sponsor the team (thereby making fundraising unnecessary);
14. Are Registered Massage Therapists (and sit behind me at hockey games) ;
15. Run a merchandising business (team swag for Christmas, everyone!);
16. Are OPP or municipal police officer (and can make those pesky speeding tickets disappear); and
17. Have a great sense of humour and are great sports themselves, making the season so much fun and enjoyable!
It takes all kinds to make up a hockey team and naturally no matter who is placed on our hockey team, I always have a great season. But since I’m fantasizing, you have to agree, these parents – I mean – players would round out a fantasy hockey team very nicely. What a season we would have! Did I miss anyone? Are there any fantasy hockey parents you’d like on your roster? Let me know in the comments below.
Three cheers for fantasy hockey – let the fun begin!
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